Shaken

By now you've probably heard about the earthquake in Oklahoma this morning. It was 5.6, centered a little north of Pawnee, OK, and we felt it in Pittsburg, KS. I was in bed when it felt like a strong person had grabbed the frame and was shaking it vigorously. I could hear items on the dresser rattling. My brain ruled out a passing truck and something hitting our house before it settled on "earthquake." It shook us a little, but no damage was done.

I've also been a little shaken figuratively.

When I first published Outsider, I thought I'd probably sell about three or four copies, mostly to family members. To my amazement, the people at work were excited to hear I'd been published. They lined up to buy the book and asked for my autograph. One even wanted to have her picture taken with me. This was followed by a whirlwind of books signings and an interview for the local newspaper.

Hindsight now tells me the truth: they thought "published" was the same as "famous." They thought I was already there ... and after a while, I believed it, too.

Lately, with book sales at zero, I've realized that we were mistaken. I'm not a failure, because I have four books published, but I'm not really successful either.

That's okay. Not everyone can be Stephen King or J.K. Rowling and I'm fine with that. The problem is that I spent too much time worrying that I didn't try hard enough or wasn't good enough ... and that's dried up my writing. That's not okay.

I'm going to try to go back to that feeling I first had when I saw Outsider pop up on amazon.com: happy and excited. I'm going to try to reacquaint myself with my characters. I might try to introduce myself to some new characters. Most of all, I want to reorient my thinking so that I don't obsess over how many books I've sold and instead concentrate on the joy of writing. That's what matters to me.

I was a little shaken, but I hope no damage was done.

Out of the Habit

Some habits are bad (like that mid-afternoon snack of Pringles chips I just had). Some habits are good (such as using a seatbelt or brushing one's teeth). It seems to be easy to fall into a habit if you don't want it, and hard if you do want it. (For example, regular exercise is difficult for me, although I've been working on that lately with more walking.)

I've had habits come and go throughout my life. Some of them are pretty weird: when I take a carrot stick from the refrigerator, I always tap it twice against the rim of the container and then shake it once over the sink to get the excess water off. At bedtime, I start by lying on my left side and then turn over onto my right side when I'm ready to sleep. I'm sure there are others I'm not even aware of.

Could I break these habits if I wanted to? Yes, if I put my mind to it ... but there seem to be more important things to worry about than these little quirks.

However, I find I've lost one habit that I had for a long time: writing. I think I need to clarify that: writing fiction. For years, it seemed the most natural thing in the world for me to be working on two or three novels at the same time. Short stories also swirled through my brain. I was always scribbling down ideas or daydreaming to bring the ideas into better focus.

Then I got my first novel published. Suddenly I had to concentrate on the details of the novel (fonts, front pages, title, back cover text, etc.). Then I had to worry about book signings, copyright protection, marketing and social media. So I worked feverishly on all of those things.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing. I've done plenty of rewriting (enough for a while!), but the ideas have dried up. I'm pretty sure it's just because I got out of the habit. Unfortunately, this isn't a habit that comes easily, at least not this time. I've been trying, but there aren't any ideas in my head yet. It's going to take some practice. I'll have to get into the habit of putting myself in front of a keyboard and forcing myself to find words to put on the page. (I think that short story I wrote last Halloween was a good beginning.)

I know it will come back sooner or later. There are hints of images or considerations in my head. I just need to tease them out and turn them into something resembling a story. I'll probably write some pretty terrible stuff before I get something good.

Don't get me wrong: I'm very glad I published my novels. It's been an exciting ride, and I'm not done yet. It's just that I'm ready to get back to creating more of them!

Update on The Other Side: the artist is working to make the cover image a little lighter. I expect to hear from her in the next few days. After that, I'll submit the new version and order a new proof copy. (I'm getting into the habit of patience, not entirely by choice. Ha!) Stay tuned, and thanks for your patience.

The Little Things

I write about a lot of different topics on this blog. I've detailed some of the joys of writing and some of the frustrations. Sometimes I'm thrilled and sometimes I'm dejected. That comes with the territory, I guess.

Sometimes when I'm a little down, a great event will raise my spirits. Those are the good times! More often, however, it's something small ... and I have to be willing to recognize it. Here are three examples.

I needed to double-check some tax information recently. (Even when you make no money, you have to report your earnings and expenses to the IRS. I joke with my husband that I'm helping reduce our tax rate with my lack of sales.) I found a discrepancy, so I had to look at some of the reports online. While I was doing that, I looked up Outsider on amazon.com (that still hasn't gotten old) and scrolled through the information. As I did, I noticed something strange:

Amazon.com Feb 4, 2016

The last time I looked, Outsider was at about five or six million in the Amazon Best Sellers Rank, certainly not 224,181. This could only mean one thing so I hopped over to Createspace.com and ran a report. Sure enough, for the first time in over two years, I'd sold a copy of Outsider on Amazon! I don't know how this happened or who bought it, but it was cause for celebration. (To keep things in perspective, I noticed that my other two novels are still ranked at around five or six million.) To that lone buyer out there: thank you!

I stopped in at the local bookstore this weekend to check on my inventory and chat with the proprietor. When I arrived, there were others ahead of me so I browsed while I waited. As I did that, I heard the proprietor say to another woman, "That's one of our local writers." I looked around, but there was nobody else in the store ... so then I realized that she meant me! That doesn't get old either.

Last but not least, I was at a medical establishment recently, waiting for someone to actually come see me after I'd waited for about 45 minutes. I was annoyed, trying to think of some way to catch someone's attention so I could voice my displeasure. Instead, I allowed myself a bit of whimsy: I imagined my characters storming the place, pistols in hand. I saw terrified office assistants cowering while my characters spread out, shouting, "Okay, what's the deal? Why's no one seeing Diane? Get to it!" I actually smiled and was in a better mood when the doctor did arrive, so I didn't even say anything snide. That's a win.

Each of those little things added up to something that made my week better than it would have been otherwise. I try to notice and embrace these kinds of things because they're what make the not-so-good times bearable.

What are the little things that made your week better? Be on the lookout because they can try to sneak by without you noticing them. Take note ... and enjoy!

Onward

Happy 2016!

I've done some of my year-end tasks: changed the calendars, taken down the Christmas lights, put away the tree ... oh, and run some year-end sales reports.

Whew. That added a solemn note to my day. If you include all formats of my novels (paperback and Kindle), I sold 78 copies in 2013, my first year at this. That was with only one novel out.

In 2014, I had two novels out and I sold 36 copies in all.

In 2015, I had three novels out and I sold 16 copies in all.

Ouch. Sixteen copies all year! That's not the direction I saw things going. It was easy to feel gloomy about that, and I did for a while.

But then I took a step back. When I first released Outsider, I thought I'd probably sell about three copies (mostly to family). I've sold a few more than three, so I think I can be proud of that.

Besides, sales weren't really the point. I started writing Outsider because I thought it was fun. As I went along, I realized I cared about my characters and wanted to explore them some more, so I wrote a few more novels. At some point in the continuous rewriting of Outsider, I decided it was time to stop doing that, so I published it. I really wanted to share my characters with other people. And I've done that. It's pretty amazing to me that Lamont and Reg and Sean can live in other people's heads, not just in mine. They can do that if people share copies of the novel or check them out of a library, which won't show on a sales report.

So I'm going to do what I was doing before I ran the reports: go back to making The Other Side as good as I can make it. I'm going to fix the problem chapters, determine when I think it's ready and then publish it.

That's what I do. I write and rewrite. If I sell some along the way, that's great. I really appreciate all of you who have bought a copy or two! It would be nice if we could make 2016 better than 2015 ... but if not, that's okay. I'll be working on the fifth one!